Breathe

This pregnancy in so many ways has been very different for me compared to my nine months of inutero Grady. When we first found out I was happy, but I'm not going to lie, I was also shocked and scared. Mixed in with my joy about having a new life growing in me, I also had feelings of loss thinking about how our life was going to change again. I was a second time mom, not first. And with that came a different perspective on what we were getting into. Don't get me wrong, we wanted this baby very badly it was just different.

Honestly I felt a little guilty about it. In my head I wondered if it was possible to truly love a baby as much as I did Grady. I'd silently ask myself how can you love two little people as much as I love just him? I knew in my heart that I would and could, but it still difficult to imagine.

Then last night I was relaxing before bed, felt a sharp pain in my stomach and started bleeding. At first I didn't really register what I was seeing, but when I did I was terrified. I have never had this happen in this way and I didn't know what to do. Anyhow, long story short I ended up spending the better part of this morning in the ER having tests done on the two of us. While the service I received was excellent, it was a long process and I did a lot of waiting and thinking. I realized that I was protectively holding my stomach, silently begging him to be ok. I prayed and fretted and in the end realized that I already love this baby as much as I do Grady but in a uniquely different way. I can't explain it, but this baby is a part of me that I desperately want and need.

In the end, I heard the beautiful sound of his heart beat and will get to see him again tomorrow at another u/s. They really think (and I do too) that everything is fine. They suspect that I bled due to our babe having a little too good of a time kicking around in there. He probably gave his placenta a good, swift kick and caused it to bleed a bit. We will see for sure tomorrow, but I have a peace about it and am sure that everything in fine.

And I can't wait to be able to hold onto my two little loves in a few short months. For now, I can breathe again its life as usual.